Evan Porter

My kids think the Diarrhea Song is the single greatest achievement in human history.

(To be fair, they think any song about poop or farts is hilarious. With modern technology, they can bypass me and ask Siri directly to play ‘poop songs’, so that’s great.)

I taught the Diarrhea Song to them on a long car ride about two years ago and I have been paying for it ever since. They sing it at dinner. They sing it in the grocery store. My youngest requested it at bedtime last week.

I regret nothing.

If you need a refresher on the lyrics, or want to arm your own kids with this gift, here’s everything you need.

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My youngest calls me Ba-Ba. I have no idea where it came from. She just started saying it one day and it stuck.

That’s kind of how the best nicknames work. They’re not chosen, they happen.

But when you’re a stepdad (or you’re a mom trying to figure this out for your kids), sometimes you need a starting point. A name to try on and see if it fits.

Here are 60+ options, organized by vibe.

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Here’s the thing nobody tells you in the sunscreen aisle: the word “baby” on the bottle means almost nothing.

Coppertone Sport SPF 50 and Coppertone Baby SPF 50? Same active ingredients. Just different bottles — one’s pink. (It’s the go-to move when companies want to charge more for a baby or women’s product.)

So if the label doesn’t matter, what does?

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I’ll save you the research: Baby Vaseline and regular Vaseline are almost exactly the same thing.

Regular Vaseline is 100% white petrolatum. That’s the only ingredient.

Baby Vaseline? It’s 99.96% white petrolatum! Okay, plus a little fragrance so it smells like baby powder.

That’s the whole difference.

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I’ve never once called my dad my “father.”

The word just doesn’t come out of my mouth. I use it on medical paperwork. Maybe when I’m explaining something biological, like “he’s the biological father”, but in real life, talking about the man who raised me? Never.

I don’t think that’s an accident.

“Father” has always felt cold to me. Clinical. Like the difference between a house and a home — technically the same thing, but you know immediately which one you actually live in.

“Dad” is what you call someone who showed up.

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There’s a lot of baby stuff you don’t need. And then there’s Aquaphor.

You will absolutely need lots and lots of diaper cream for your baby, and Aquaphor will be your main Go-To for everyday use.

But when you’re shopping or building your registry, you’ll probably end up wondering:

What’s the difference between Aquaphor vs Aquaphor Baby? Are they the same thing with the same ingredients?

Short answer: there isn’t one.

I know that sounds too simple. But I’ve gone through the ingredient lists on both products side by side, and they’re identical. Same formula, same amounts, just different packaging.

Here’s the proof:

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When your kids are transitioning out of the toddler years, there’s a small window of time when their clothes sizing gets a little confusing. When they’re about 5, for example, you’ll see some clothes marked as size 5 and others marked as 5T. Some stores have one or the other, some carry both and make you choose.

What’s the difference?

My oldest is 11 now and my youngest just turned 5, so I’ve run this particular gauntlet twice. Here’s what actually matters:

Size 5 and 5T are basically the same thing. The T still stands for toddler, meaning the clothes are cut with a little extra room in the seat for a diaper or pull-up. Once your kid is in regular underwear, size 5 is the move. If they’re still in pull-ups at night or not quite there yet, stick with 5T.

Size 5 can sometimes be just a smidge longer, for slightly taller children.

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When my wife was pregnant with our first, everyone kept saying “binky” and I kept nodding like I knew exactly what they meant. I’d heard the word, obviously, but I didn’t really know what they were talking about.

I genuinely thought maybe a binky was a different product, maybe a specific brand name or something. I went way too far down a rabbit hole on this.

Here’s the answer: a binky and a pacifier are the same thing. Binky is just a nickname — same as paci, dummy, soothie, bah-bah, suckie, or dodie depending on where you’re from. Same object, just different words.

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