My kids think the Diarrhea Song is the single greatest achievement in human history.
(To be fair, they think any song about poop or farts is hilarious. With modern technology, they can bypass me and ask Siri directly to play ‘poop songs’, so that’s great.)
I taught the Diarrhea Song to them on a long car ride about two years ago and I have been paying for it ever since. They sing it at dinner. They sing it in the grocery store. My youngest requested it at bedtime last week.
I regret nothing.
If you need a refresher on the lyrics, or want to arm your own kids with this gift, here’s everything you need.
The official lyrics (from the movie Parenthood)
Most people know this song from the 1989 Steve Martin movie Parenthood, where the Buckman kids sing it gleefully in the back seat of the family car. But the song actually predates the film; kids were singing it in the 70s and 80s before it ever hit theaters.
The movie just made it famous.
Here are the four official verses from the film:
When you’re sliding into first and you’re feeling something burst… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re sliding into home and your pants are full of foam… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re sitting in a Chevy and your shorts are feeling heavy… Diarrhea!
(The fourth verse doesn’t get a second “Diarrhea!” — the family gets cut off. A true tragedy.)
What about second base?
Sharp-eyed kids always notice the movie skips from first to third. No second base verse. This has caused genuine debate on the internet for decades.
Some popular fan-made second base verses:
When you’re sliding into two and your pants are filled with goo… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re sliding into second and you feel the toilet beckon… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re running into second and you need a disinfectant… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Bonus verses (the more the worse)
Half the fun of this song is making up new verses. Once your kids get the template, they’ll be inventing their own in about 30 seconds. Here are some classics to get them started:
When you’re climbing up a ladder and you feel something splatter… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re sitting down in class and the teacher passes gas… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re climbing up a tree and it trickles down your knee… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you’re sitting on the commode and your butt starts to explode… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
When you jump and do a flip but you feel something drip… Diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Fair warning: once you open this door, you cannot close it. My daughters can now improvise verses on the spot. I’ve created monsters. Wonderful, disgusting monsters.
The other Diarrhea Song
There’s a second version that has nothing to do with baseball. You might know this one too:
Diarrhea, uh uh. Diarrhea, uh uh.
People think it’s funny, but it’s really dark and runny…
Diarrhea, uh uh.
Different tune, same energy. Both are essential parenting knowledge.
Teach this to your kids on a long car ride. You’re welcome. And also I’m sorry.
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